No rainbows and sunshine...pondering

I am definitely far from perfect or have a life that is always rainbows and sunshine.  When I sit down and talk with peeps, my mind starts to race and I realize...I have mastered the art of deception.  Problem is, I think I may be caught in the infinite spider trap and have no idea where the exit is anymore.  Don't mistake me, I do love the adventures in my life and all the memories that each of them create.  I believe the people in my life are truly amazing, I cherish them and will always be there when (and if) they ever need me.  I believe that family and friends should be valued and I love to share them with others I know because I take great pride in how blessed I am to have those great people in my life.

After a simply lovely tea with a friend, I am now in a spot where my mind is attempting to deconstruct things.  I have all these thoughts and ideas that I keep locked inside.  I do not fear showing people these, but rather, never can figure out the time and place.  I have come to realize that I am just too late and miss the opportunities.  Isn't there a country song with the guy saying I love you when she's already walked out the door?!  Not saying I am in love, but rather can see the possibility for more.  Those events are putting me here..when I feel like getting things off my chest...voila, ranting on a blog because for some reason, it's so hard to talk about it in person?  Or perhaps, I don't want to ruin that porcelain/ fun-loving/ carefree/ (or any other descriptor) image that people have of me?  I am unsure really.

Talking with my brother a few years ago, I realized that something in the way we were raised had molded us into free spirits...yet sadly it has come at a great cost.  Although I have many great friends that surround me...I am without a beau close by.  That beau to share my innermost thoughts with, to share in that intimacy that is more than a passing in the night feeling.  My heart has not been captured by love and in some ways feels so empty and deserted.  I can understand why people think I am closed off, cold, disinterested, have a wall around me, black & white, and the many other descriptors people have used for me.  I had a conversation last month where a friend had pushed me to tears with cruel words of why I was alone...it definitely cut to the core and hardened my heart a little more. 

Strange, of all this ranting...I know exactly what I want.  Yet, sadly, attempts have been made by me and I have yet to find it.  I want to be courted, loved, to delve into that wonderful world of a relationship.  I want to cherish times together, ache when apart, keep in touch, to melt into their arms and feel safe, swim in happiness, snuggle on the couch, sleep in on the weekends wrapped in each others arms, watch old movies together, picnic in the park, dance, travel and explore, make great memories, and all those other little things which really are the biggest things of all.  Sad that I have a person like that in my life, yet here I am...